I’m not a whiner by nature, disclaimer, sometimes it’s good to get things off your chest, disclaimer disclaimer, so you don’t explode, disclaimer.
Chefs, writers, I love you. But not all of you.
1) Mouth-feel. We already have a perfectly serviceable word: texture. And it does not call to mind tiny fingers wiggling around on your tongue and in your cheeks, like something Steven Moffat might dream up after his fourth Rusty Nail.
2) Wash it down with. I think of a hose aimed downward, at everything I ate. Tasty image.
3) Grab lunch.* Just cliche. Put it in the same Glad 3-ply with ‘boom’ and ‘bucket list.’
4) Fusion. I spoke with a chef recently who said it’s short for ‘confusion.’ Some make a thoughtful effort to harmonize dissimilar ingredients and techniques.** Others artfully arrange leftovers on a glossy white plate and call themselves geniuses.
Foods and Irritating Substances Pretending to be Foods
1) Greek Yogurt–0% Fat
I know I’m in the minority with this one, but I’ve tried every kind I could find, and they all taste like wallpaper paste. Full fat, now–these are incredible. I love the Honey variety made by The Greek Gods, which is what I suppose they do when not boffing mortal females***; and an Apricot-Mango kind I found this morning. It was amid the 0% and low fat kinds, and I didn’t even think to read the label carefully until I had the first spoonful in my mouth. The second ingredient is cream. Swoonable. Just bloody fattening.
2) Chocolate-Dipping Everything Not Tied Down
Edamame? Et tu, Trader Joe’s?
3) Ditto, but Wrapping, and with Bacon
4) Processed Doughnuts Covered with Processed Cereal and Filled with Icing
This was in the news this week. It bears repeating only as an example of a vomitizing waste of energy and a wicked sharp choice for my list here. Reminds me of an episode of ‘Roseanne’ in which the couple is unloading their junk-food groceries and Roseanne remarks, ‘Hey, Dan? Did you ever notice we eat like our parents are away for the weekend?’
More lists to follow. Charm me, food trenders! I can’t wait.
*This expression and the previous one are courtesy of my sister, who’s grossed out by both.
**Just kidding, guys, seriously, your yogurt tastes like butter cream. It’s a knockout. Carry on.
***Shameless plug for my pal Casey’s family: His dad’s wife is French trained and Japanese, and her pastries are glimmering examples of careful, ordered fusion that works (patisserietomoko.com).