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Posts Tagged ‘flu’

I’m late writing to you guys this week because the recent heat wave that clobbered New Jersey clobbered me as well. I was dehydrated, which in semi-bad cases like mine feels like the flu, complete with unrelenting drowsiness, no appetite and a yucky stomach*. Sorry, but you need to know what led up to what I did Sunday afternoon and why it was so freaking rewarding.

I needed to retain liquids, which meant it would be a good idea to consume some salt along with the amount of Gatorade I was drinking.** The initial lap through my local market wasn’t productive, because when you’re not hungry, nothing looks good.

Except. Potato chips. Hm.

Now, I am one of those people who loves, LOVES chips, always has, always will, but never eats them.*** When eating out, I tell the server no chips, and my sandwich arrives lonely, forlorn and playing the harmonica. But in this case, I hadn’t eaten much in the space of two days. Even with a bag this size—not one of those itty-bitty fun size ones that grace you with four chips, mind you—I could easily swing this and call it a wash.

I’d like to say I opened up the bag and got down to it right away, but I was so weak from an empty stomach and from doing nothing but rolling over in bed that I couldn’t get the bag open. It was one of those elite-looking plastic bags that pretends it’s far cooler than regular plastic, with its fancy smooth satin finish and all. So I dashed its pompous delusions and ripped it open with my house key.

And then I ate the whole bag.

And then I drove away making happy little Mmmm noises, which I haven’t done since making out with one of the great loves of my life in a parking lot. Same difference, if you ask me.

*’Ooh, Maris, tell us more!’ you’re all pleading.

**Which would drown the New York Knicks, plus Charles Barkley.

***Past weight problems. Chicken of going overboard. Yada.

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